A Joke I Wrote While Driving

I was driving behind a truck and I could see through the rear window that the driver was holding his cell phone to his ear with one hand and holding his coffee cup with the other. Then I noticed his bumper sticker: HOW AM I DRIVING? I pulled along side him at a stoplight, rolled down my window and said to him, “I give up. How?"

Here’s the joke writing process: I really was following a commercial vehicle that had a sticker that read, “HOW AM I DRIVING?” followed by a phone number and vehicle code. The driver was talking on his cell phone. I asked myself, “How can I turn this into a joke?” So… I put a cup of coffee into his other hand and changed the word “HOW“‘s meaning from the way the sticker meant it; “to what extent, degree, etc.” to “in what way or manner?”

Then I made sure the story made sense and that most people could relate to the situation and voilá a joke is born! I dictated it into my trusty digital recorder and here it is, for your dining and dancing pleasure.

A Joke I Like

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know… she might say ‘Yes’.”

The mathematician laughs. “Yeah, right – like that’s gonna happen!”

Another Letterman Top Ten T-Shirt!

Yipee! Another Letterman Top Ten short sleeve T-Shirt. Just in time for winter.

Top Ten Signs the Guy You’re Dating is James Bond

I love writing custom jokes and bits. In fact, that’s what I feel makes me different from the throngs of “comedy” hypnotist out there. Want to find out if who you’re hiring is funny? Challenge them to write customized comedy tailored to your specific audience!